Valentine’s Day Disasters

Note: The author's views are entirely his or her own and may not reflect the views of RetoxMagazine.com

1. Good Ring Bad Ring

Will you marry me?

Although we, at Retox, think it is quite cheesy to propose on Valentine’s Day, we also understand that many love birds like cheese. So what can go wrong? – A cheep ring.

You may get away with being cheesy, but you will not get away with being cheep, unless you’re both completely off your rockers and can live with a ring made of straw... Avoid cheep proposal rings at all costs.

2. Forget Me Not

If you are planning to take your date out on a romantic picnic (may not work for the souls in the UK as it is still very cold, but could be fun if you are in a warmer place across the pond), make sure you plan it well. Torches, lanterns, lighters, bottle openers, tissues, condoms… You name it. Remember, your date will not be impressed if you can’t open the wine bottle, have candle’s but you can’t light them or keep them lit, want to spread chocolate sauce all over your partner, but have no tissues to clean up after. Plan and prepare!

Avoid Valentine’s Day disasters by planning well.

3. The Suite may not be so Sweet

You want to surprise your loved one and book a hotel suite with extras – Jacuzzi, dinner, candles, champagne – the works. Be careful though, be selective with your choice of a hotel and make sure you know your hotel well. There are horror stories on the street; plastic champagne glasses, second-rate dinners and better so, double booking the rooms. If you see a rose lay on the bed, romantic candles lined up by the Jacuzzi, rose petals on the floor and chocolate hearts scattered on the bed, be very suspicious. It is unlikely that a hotel will take such lengths to decorate your room for Valentine’s Day unless you request it. Believe it or not, you may be in someone else’s suite!

Avoid Valentine’s Day disasters by choosing a reliable and good hotel.

4. Valentine’s Day versus Black Saturday

Go out on a date to a restaurant, and there, a disaster staring you right in the face. It may not be the restaurant at fault - the choice of a restaurant may be perfect. It is your date you may have to worry about. There are many middle-aged characters that still act like children. Choose your date carefully if you want to avoid embarrassment. Avoid double dates where the confidence of your date can be boosted by their obnoxious best friend. Stay away from extremely classy restaurants, unless you can guarantee that your date has class before and after drinks.

Avoid Valentine’s Day disasters by knowing what brain-length your date is on.

5. Beauty and The Beast

Have you ever looked sexy, hot, a sizzler? – Obviously you have. Have you ever been in a situation where you looked sexy, hot, a sizzler but your date looked like shit? – You probably have. If you are invited to a prestigious party, and you are bringing a date, make sure you are clear on the dress code. Otherwise things can get very embarrassing.

6. Red Handed Valentine

If you are successfully double dating you are very naughty! …And very talented. On Valentine’s Day, however, lovers often like to arrange surprises, making this a great occasion to expose the love culprits. This is the time to expose or be exposed. Plan carefully.

7. Not worth the wait

Being a romantic soul that you are you may decide to cook dinner at home, light the candles, get the bubbly ready and wait… And wait… And still wait… Get over it! Time to upgrade!

In fact, you still have time to upgrade before the Valentine’s Day!

8. On Again Off Again

Growing hot growing cold… Datable or not datable? …Should I or shouldn’t I? Look, it only works out in the end if you both believe the sun shines out of the other’s ass! You have to like each other enough to make a true effort.

Avoid a disaster by not committing to someone worth half the effort.

On the other hand, you can always keep a couple of back-ups. After all, it is terribly fun being evil!

9. Valentine’s Day to Re-Member

Avoid wet floors and moving surfaces such as the escalators. A lot of us are looking to get kinky and wild, and for those lucky enough to get laid, things can get pretty hot and steamy and hence dangerous. And if you think it may never happen to you, watch the 101 Embarrassing Sex Accidents and think again. Be safe and try not to dismember any of your own or your partner’s body parts.

10. My Not So Funny Valentine

And finally, stay away from cheesy Valentine’s Jokes! This will not help you get laid!