Reasons I don't have a boyfriend

Note: The author's views are entirely his or her own and may not reflect the views of RetoxMagazine.com

I AM TOO TALL...

Not a giant, just tall. Like 5’11”... roughly the same height as most of the 90s supermodels, which is rather humbling to know. Most men are shorter than me, but not to despair. I’ve been advised that apparently there are millions of men claiming to like taller women. In reality though, you and I both know, there is something terribly creepy about that. They either have a dark hidden fetish, or a third arm. …Or they simply get turned on by Verne Troyer (-yes, that would be the Mini-Me from "Austin Powers" who apparently dated a 6’2” blonde).

CAN’T COOK...

My mum and all my aunts insist that the way to get to the man’s heart is through his stomach. Personally, I find men who cook to be sexy and all the best chefs in the world are stereotypically male. I can therefore simply put it to you that cooking is a man’s job, even though initially what it comes down to is women doing all the cooking. To be totally truthful with you, I cannot cook anyway. I usually live off pizza deliveries, take-aways and apples. Tons of apples. My microwave is my best friend and by far the best investment. The last three times I have tried to use the stove, there was a volcanic eruption, an ash cloud hovering above the cooker, a squeaky smoke alarm exhausting it’s batteries and a whole bunch of very ‘happy’ neighbours. The pressure cooker? – That was a national disaster. Elements of chicken breast ended up on the ceiling and I had to peal my dinner off the wall. Me in the kitchen equals smoke, fire and a whole load of casualties. Seriously. Perhaps it’s a good thing that I have never yet used my oven. Anyone's up for some of the blue “Bridget Jones Diary” soup?

I EAT FRUIT...

Just like mangos have their own season, I have my seasons too – or rather seasonal cravings for different fruit. Most people thing that eating fruit is a good thing, but when I am on a strawberry mode and don’t get my strawberries, I get pretty upset. Sooner or later my relationship with fruits gets in the way of my relationship with a guy… I love vegetables too…

I DON’T REALLY DANCE…

It is not that I am disabled and physically unable to move. No. That is not quite what I mean. What I actually mean is that I dance the way I cook. Similarly to cooking, everything just explodes, drops, breaks, catches fire, …and the romance goes in smokes! Ah, another useful quality I do not possess. I do, however, have two left feet!

APPARENTLY I’M CUTE...

Yes, it’s true. Or so they tell me. Cute cute cute… Regretfully though, I am not like Cameron Diaz meets Angelina Jolie meets Lucy Lu cute. Nope... instead, I am cute like your fluffy guinea pig or that cuddly puppy of yours! There is a long line of photographic evidence dating back as far as 20 years with random people pinching my cheeks and messing up my hair while muttering with their pouted lips about how cute I was. It’s only a matter of time before someone else’s sticky palm lands on my head and once again I hear “You are soooo cute I wanna eat you!”

I AM TERRIBLY FUNNY…

Sadly though, I’m funny in an awkward way. Sometimes people don’t know how to respond to my humour, which is fun for me, but I can’t keep on enjoying just myself.

I HAVE UNREASONABLE STANDARDS…

I am thinking Brad Pitt right now. Or… Lets see… Madonna has done well with Jesus. The Brazilian men are really hot after all. But like a virgin, I can remain ignorant and wait for the hottest guy or reconsider and bounce back to reality. After all, let’s be honest... how many sexy 6-foot-6-pack Brazilians are there all together anyway? Surely not enough to satisfy every woman. Actually, I prefer handsome or cute to hot. But those men always seem to be taken.

LASTLY, I HATE DATING

I want to have a counterpart, a partner in crime whom I could do crazy things with. But as soon as someone invites me for an official date in a cheesy candle light restaurant with out of tune live band making noise in the background, I grow cold feet. Under such circumstances, I can immediately tell you, I will never like you! Ever!

Please see the photo above for a partial visual sum-up.
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PLEASE NOTE: The model pictures featured in this article are used only to illustrate the story and the model is in NO WAY directly associated with the content of the story.