My job interviews at their best

Story by Viveka Tismi
Photograph by Vincent Au
Models: Katie Gough, Renata Sadkowska and Daniel

My job interviews at their best


Give me a Job!

Are you long time unemployed? Hunting for your dream job? Going through the never-ending job interviews yet cant land a job? Oh dear… we obviously have something in common…

1. A fashionably late arrival

I arrived late to my interview and it truly was a genuine reason. The bus was so full I could not fit in! The interviewer explains to me in disbelief that however full a bus is, there is always a space for one more person. But if nobody gets off the bus, how can there always be a space for one more person? So I’ve asked the interviewer, “Does that mean that the infinite number of people can get on a bus? And if that is the case why do we need so many buses in our city?” I thought I was being awfully clever. Nonetheless, I didn’t get the job.

2. Holiday zeal

This is surely a genuine interest most of us have. I have paid extra attention to and extensively focused on the company’s vacation benefits. It’s not that I don’t show any interest in learning about the tasks, or the team atmosphere, or the workspace. I certainly do. But someone once told me that the greater the holiday benefits, the greater the enthusiasm and hence the productivity of the employee, or something like that. My intentions are those of being a truly valued employee. Sadly the interviewer misunderstood my reasoning and, of course, I didn’t get the job.

3. Avoiding eye contact

I am confident and capable of out-staring a cat. Eye contact is not an issue. But as we know, eyes speak the truth. My entire CV is fictional and so I figured its best to avoid eye contact. …Still unemployed.

4. Just then my phone rang

My ring tone was really cool. It was a tune from Southpark. I picked up the phone and it was my friend calling me to remind me of my other job interview. Thanks God I’ve picked it up! I told the interviewer to hurry up, as I am running late. Neither of the jobs was offered to me.

5. Where do you see yourself in the next two years?

When the interviewer asked me this question I cracked a joke. I said, “Early retirement”. The interviewer had a laugh and then said, “Right, can we now have a more realistic version please?” It was a small company and there weren’t many other opportunities to progress to within the company, other than the one sitting in front of me, so I politely answered, “Having your job, of course.” …Do you think I got the job?

6. Gumming it

I was nervous, had a sore throat and my mouth was going dry. The best way to overcome all three problems was by sucking on a lolly. I didn’t have anything to suck on, but I had some chewing gum. So I chewed. Continuously. I knew the mastication may be the proverbial nail in the coffin, so instead of selfishly chewing it alone, I also offered one to my interviewer. After all, if we are going to work together, we might as well break the ice sooner rather than later. Unfortunately my gracious intention was misunderstood and I didn’t get the job.

7. Under-dressing

I went to the interview… naked. Come on! You think I would joke about a thing like that? The interview was held at a shack on a nudist beach! I later received feedback stating that my attire was (apparently) insufficient. You guessed it - I didn’t get the job.

8. Complaint to the company

This was simple. I’ve questioned the interviewer’s rights to interview me. Apparently it was a bad thing, but what else could you expect? The interviewer was just a kid and in all probability had little qualifications and zero knowledge in my field. What was he doing interviewing some one like me? Balls to that! I have therefore written a complaint letter to the company bosses expressing the situation. Sadly though, I didn’t get the job.

9. What will you bring to the company?

I thought, what the heck, might as well be truthful. I am sure they all do it! So I said: “Myself, my lunch, my coffee mug, perhaps a few condoms, good company and a laugh!

10. …And finally, my greatest strengths

The interviewer asked me what were my greatest strengths and to give an example of its application. I said, "I am a professional liar, please see my CV!" …I finally got the job, and I now work as a fiction writer for Retox Magazine.


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