10 days keeping your boss captive

Note: The author's views are entirely his or her own and may not reflect the views of RetoxMagazine.com

You are a naughty boss, and I am talking from experience! The gawping down my top, the eye to nipple contact, seriously are men confused as to where eyes are?

Right, some action has to be taken, and we’re getting our own back ladies! We’re catching the bastards and making them go through what we do, and more!

Here’s my 10 day strategy on what is to be done while keeping your boss captive. (Don’t try this at home, but do at the office!)

10 days keeping your boss captive – the grand master plan!

Day 1, so we have our prey. The evil boss is tied up, maybe with other colleagues of his ilk and there is only one thing to do!

The Boss Beauty pageant... get your boss, or bosses, lined up at spear / gun / knife point and make them wear various outfits, thongs, mankinis etc and rate their appearance whoop and holler and make withering remarks, think like Craig of Strictly Come Dancing or Simon Cowell!

Make them feel like you have had to every day.

Day 2, Make them do all the housework well micro managing them, explaining in patronising terms how to do even the simplest task and asking when do they think it will be done. Ensure they are dressed in pinnys or suitably humiliating attire. Make them feel as stupid as possible.

Day 3, Reality check for the boss that is a letch, the old men do like to crack on as discussed. So bring in a couple of good looking, kind, educated and genuinely modern characters of the same sex as your boss and point out every single area your boss does not match up!

Day 4, destroy your boss’s marriage; force your boss to sign a confession to all affairs or office lechery to be sent to his unsuspecting spouse. In order to ensure compliance hook his testicles (or her boobs, if your boss is female) up to an electrical generator... so much better than a lie detector.

Day 5, Continuing on the theme, so few men know what it is like to be a woman with undesirable, unattractive men trying to pull you.... unless.. you are gay.. Or have been a straight man in a gay bar. So we move on to Tranny Shack night! That’s right; take your prisoner to the nearest transvestite gay club. Tranny Shack at Madam Jojo’s is a good night. Dress them in full drag, lipstick, wig, the works and make them compliant. A few strong martinis should do it.

Tie them to a railing, better still make a little stall around them, and advertise them as selling kisses for charity. Watch the fun of their night from hell and make a tidy sum for charity. The Charity for AIDS, Syphilis, and Herpes research breaks down nicely to CASH on a cheque I find!

Day 6, The morning after the night before... it’s time for them to get some waxing done, how about a full body wax of all hair, followed by the Hollywood! A wax strip tearing away from the balls has got to sting a bit.

Day 7, you know how bosses like to take you to places like lap dancing bars and the like. Well, years before Spearmint Rhino there were The Dream Boys. Get them down in the front row of a Dream Boys performance and watch them squirm as the boys grind all over your bosses in all their greasy glory. Or just call a couple of male strippers to the prison you are holding your bosses captive at.

Day 8, Get back at your boss by signing him up to a nutty religion that will take a high percentage of his earnings... net. The Scientologist nuts are a good place to start forcing him along to that place on Tottenham Court Road for a stress test and full indoctrination. Once home, make him clean the bathroom. Be sure to stand over him with a whip issuing petty instructions, repeat often, especially when not needed and make them redo any perfectly well done job.

Day 9, Set him to work in the garden, with no tools. While he is at it, set up some gags for his next day in the office. Get some grass cuttings and earth, put them in a foil wrapper and have it sent to his office. Arrange for his dry cleaning to be sent to his wife, intercept it on the way and make him watch as you put your lipstick on the collar of his shirt. Send it on to his wife.

Day 10, Remember those puppets with strings that you handle from above? Get your victim to arrange some planks of wood and have your victim tied up by ropes to the planks. Once they are put into a harness and are all connected up, walk them around the prison making them do any whim that takes you fancy.