How to lose a job in ten days

Note: The author's views are entirely his or her own and may not reflect the views of RetoxMagazine.com

I want to be fired!

It’s a cold wet morning… Unpleasant… People are rude and it’s Monday... I am bored, I hate my new job and I have another 4 long days like this one to bounce through till the weekend.

It is obvious that my new boss chose to financially support my misery, while my bored little brain has suddenly started cultivating a new brainchild, “How can I get fired?”

I can therefore present you with a tried and trusted list. However, if you make it to day 10, start thinking about signing on for the pension... because you are never leaving… Never ever... till you are old, grey and your boner comes from a little blue pill.

Day one, your first day at work

Replace all the candy in your sweet bowl with condoms. Put a note on the office notice board offering a massage with “extras”. Casually browse Internet porn on your office PC, order yourself a stripper to the office, hit on all the female employees in your office and do everything possible to express that you are a practicing sex maniac!

Day two, well if you are still there you have probably scored, or had a verbal warning... Either way the end is in sight

If the sex-maniac approach did not get you fired, try being particularly annoying. Overcome boredom in meetings by responding to every suggestion of your boss by pointing your finger at him winking and saying “I like your style!” And pretend you have a Madonna obsession and answer every question with “because I am a material girl!”

Day three, you’re hanging in there, but not out of choice

Order your boss a Gorilla Gram. If you have a pet snake bring it to work and let it out to meet people. And while you’re on the ‘zoo’ note, celebrate the zoological office day by displaying pictures of mating apes with super-imposed faces of your colleagues. Make sure there are several pictures on each wall. Then send love notes around the office asking people whether they like you giving an option to tick a ‘Yes Monkey’ or a ‘No Monkey’ box.

Day four, god these people will hire anyone!

Office Olympics, organise a few events like racing seats down corridors, office ping-pong on tables (ideally outside the HR department) and the infamous touch game, which involves passing items around the office rugby style without dropping them!

After lunch set up a rubber pool in the middle of the office, fill it up from the water tank and invite some “models” in to swim lengths.

Day five, usually a Friday and a dress-down day

Pretend you misunderstood the memo and come in dressed down as Dr. Frank-N-Furter from the Rocky Horror Show or if you are really brave, nude!

Offend as many people as possible at office drinks with lines like “I am the new dog in the office,” “I don’t normally like fat birds but I got 2-4-1 on flour in Tesco today,” and the classic “Office relationships are a bad idea, so don’t worry, I just want you for sex.”

If that’s not working express regret that Hitler was "misunderstood."

Day six, a second week... don’t worry the end is in sight

Arrive early on the first day of your second week and go around the keyboards removing a letter from each, applying glue to it and then replacing it.... Do something a little more special to your boss’s keyboard so it reads out something offensive or amusing. While at it, amend your bosses mouse cursor so it is set to permanently busy and watch them phone IT for help as they sit helplessly in front of the screen.

Now sit back and watch the day go by…

Day seven… the Fort

Turn your office into a fort and demand that everyone gives a password before entering. This is your chance to be creative and device punishments for those who do not deliver the password.

Venture out only for meetings and proceed to yawn and fall asleep while claiming you are narcoleptic, and throw in some farting for good measure while you “sleep.”

Day Eight

If you’ve been as unlucky as to survive at the office until day eight, your boss has now probably had a go at you for implementing tight security restrictions to the fort on the previous day. With loosened security you can now set up an office BBQ and invite anyone and everyone that does not work with you to it. Consider selling office equipment on E-Bay to make more space for the party.

Day Nine, ok now we are fed up and REALLY want to leave

Leave your CV lying around the office with the top-line job of Pimp or Madam, nice and prominent. While your CV is waiting to ‘accidentally’ be found by your boss, advertise your own job and conduct interviews for it in the middle of the office.

Day 10

Set up a whiskey optic under your desk and “refresh your coffee” all day. Do not forget to arrange the Christmas party, ideally at a lap dancing club or a nudist sauna.

Now write a goodbye letter to your colleagues, as you are most certainly not coming back to this office again.

Remember to be especially honest to your colleagues with constructive criticism bringing in things like toothpaste, shower gel and mirrors for them. Write a poem personally insulting everyone.

PLEASE NOTE: Models' pictures featured in this article are used only to illustrate the story and the models are in NO WAY directly associated with the content of the story.