December HORRORscopes

Written by Retox Mag's Zodiac Union, December 2011.

Horrorscopes for December 2011

Sagittarius Horrorscope (November 23 – December 21)

Do you like cheese? Absolutely! Not the one with the maggots though. But how do you know exactly what you eat? Well, this month you'll get more on your plate than offered on the menu. Watch what enters your mouth.

Capricorn Horrorscope (December 22 – January 20)

You are not hungry but you are not full. You are not starved but you could pick a bone. You are indecisive. Never satisfied. You take every opportunity to spark a fire… This time you may burn baby! Carry a fire extinguisher with you, dear.

Aquarius Horrorscope (January 21 – February 19)

Attention: you have the wrong number; please reassure yourself of the correct number. Good day, my friend. – This may be a text message you get from someone you consider to be special, unless you send the message first.

Pisces Horrorscope (February 20 – March 20)

Some things are just out of your control. You may often hope your bus or cab driver was an x rally racer. You may wish you lived on a tropical island and shat real cash. You may wish you were the best looker on the planet. Unfortunately the reality is different. Whatever your reality is, you are stuck in it, so stick with it and stop wishing for things you will never have.

Aries Horrorscope (March 21 – April 20)

Great festivities can lead to great tensions. Towards the end of the holiday season you will be slapped about by Mr Asshole Wind! Watch what you swallow.

Taurus Horrorscope (21 April – 21 May)

Sometimes working out doesn't always work out. Fools with muscles can be comically entertaining but never attractive. Make sure you pick to work on the right jelly – jelly belly or jelly brain…

Gemini Horrorscope (May 22 – June 21)

They say keep your friends close and your enemies even closer. On the other hand, lovers – you don’t have to work on keeping them close, they are close in anyway. Judging on the current situation, there are a lot of characters around you that need to be kept close. How close can you keep them?

Cancer Horrorscope (June 22 – July 22)

You think you have never been the one to deliberately kill one's reputation? Well, you are very wrong. This year you have f**ked up many people's happiness. It is finally your turn.

Leo Horrorscope (July 23 – August 23)

You should've been given a trophy so you could remember the night in some way. Luckily a lot of people remember you. Undoubtedly, they will never forget you.

Virgo Horrorscope (August 24 – September 23)

Do you react positively to offers of booze? Do you heavily invest in hangovers? Although common, it certainly is not a healthy way to wash the day off. To repair your system you need distant heeling. Healing starts now. We will enhance your DNA.

Libra Horrorscope (September 24 – October 23)

You may find yourself waiting for someone in a bathtub, but the bubbles will go flat by the time they show up. You may wait for them in a towel, but the towel will wear out by the time they get to you. You may cook dinner for someone, but you'll be eating alone. Who are you waiting for? Are you stupid?

Scorpio Horrorscope (October 24 – November 22)

This could be a good month to come out of your shell, as long as you bear in mind that a scorpion without a shell has about as much chance of survival as a peeled shrimp.

Disclaimer: This HORRORscope has been made up by the Retox Magazine team to serve the purpose of making you laugh. Although we cannot guarantee that everyone will have a laugh, we hope that YOU do. If you do not find this funny, then come back next month, maybe you will then. If you do find this funny, then come back next month for more! Please do not harm yourself in any way. Cheers!

December HORRORscopes

Horrorscopes for December 2011

Sagittarius Horrorscope (November 23 – December 21)

Capricorn Horrorscope (December 22 – January 20)

Aquarius Horrorscope (January 21 – February 19)