What's your crisis? - Horoscopes for May 2013

Please note: The author's views are entirely his or her own and may not reflect the views of RetoxMagazine.com

What's your crisis? - Horoscopes for May 2013


Star Sign Predictions for May 2013

horoscope Taurus star sign imageTaurus Horoscope (21 April – 21 May)

Hasn't anyone ever told you that you should never moon a werewolf? How bold and disobedient of you! You should only moon a werewolf this month if you have a good reason for it, if you form an escape plan prior to mooning and if you are able to make a fair run for it. There are no vegetarian werewolves.

horoscope Gemini star sign imageGemini Horoscope (May 22 – June 21)

Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive.

horoscope Cancer star sign imageCancer Horoscope (June 22 – July 22)

Is your name Noshit? Has Noshit lost the brain? Here's the thing; May is a month for you when you'll have to use your brain a bit more than you may have previously used. If you scoop up the brain off the carpet today, you won't have to do it tomorrow :)

horoscope Leo star sign imageLeo Horoscope (July 23 – August 23)

Spend this month planning your future and future actions. And remember, we go to Heaven for the climate and to Hell for the company.

horoscope Virgo star sign imageVirgo Horoscope (August 24 – September 23)

People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those who don't. Stop knowing so much. Spend this month pretending you are an average five year old. If done correctly, it could really pay off. Don't go any younger than that as you'll start chucking up like a blender without a lid on.

horoscope Libra star sign imageLibra Horoscope (September 24 – October 23)

Your uselessness is epic. Get your facts first, then you can distort them as you please. Psychosis, panic attacks and dangerous accidents are all possible risks of fact distortion. A good punch in the face - an additional risk associated with fact distortion this month.

horoscope Scorpio star sign imageScorpio Horoscope (October 24 – November 22)

Your fake plants will die unless you pretend to water them. You have to water them ALL the time, give them lots of sun and feed them caviar every day... Eventually, the imaginary insects will eat them and you'll get another fake plant. Is it worth the effort? You're mad!

horoscope Sagittarius star sign imageSagittarius Horoscope (November 23 – December 21)

You always wanted to be somebody, but now you realise you should have been more specific. You are nowhere, you are lost and you have no direction. If you can't solve this by the end of this month, perhaps it is best if your life never has direction. Chew on the thought, talk to your heart, get onto your path... or continue fermenting the crisis.

horoscope Capricorn star sign imageCapricorn Horoscope (December 22 – January 20)

A lot of people are afraid of heights. But not you, you're afraid of widths. Most people hate the cold, but not you. You would forever sit in a fridge if you could, for eternity. You are certainly different if not eccentric. But this month you will meet your twin - consider it a crisis.

horoscope Aquarius star sign imageAquarius Horoscope (January 21 – February 19)

We cannot fit in a crisis for you this month as your schedule is already full.

horoscope Pisces star sign star sign imagePisces Horoscope (February 20 – March 20)

Don't hold back. If two wrongs don't make a right, try three.

horoscope Aries star sign imageAries Horoscope (March 21 – April 20)

There will be a lot of finger action for you this month. Fingers mean crisis. If you see a finger pointing at you, run. If you point a finger, there will be three fingers pointing back at you. Avoid fish fingers, losing fingers and getting fingers stuck in messy pies.

Disclaimer: The horoscope is fiction.


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