HORRORscopes for June 2011

Written by: The Retox Zodiac Union

HORRORscopes for June 2011

June HORRORscopes - funny and hilarious predictions

horoscope gemini imageGemini Horrorscope (May 22 – June 21)

Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There is a support group for that. It's called EVERYBODY and they meet at the bar. – Drew Carey said this a while back, and its rather funny how it sticks to your star sign this June.

horoscope cancer imageCancer Horrorscope (June 22 – July 22)

All you need is a fortune! …I mean a fortune cookie… and a printer, some tweezers and glue. Print whatever the message makes you feel good, replace it with the original using tweezers and reseal the packet. If the cookie tastes crap, replace it with your own home baked cookie. When you feel shit, open the perfect fortune cookie and make yourself feel good. And also get a life!

horoscope leo imageLeo Horrorscope (July 23 – August 23)

You’ll be sorry. You won't remember anything. It will be a blank. You will wake up and have no memory of getting home. You could have all sorts of preferences, tall, blonde… woolly coat… Instead you will find a monster in your bed. Have you fainted in horror at the idea?

horoscope virgo imageVirgo Horrorscope (August 24 – September 23)

Should we assume you are stuck under a heavy object? Would you like us to fix your watch? Your disrespect for the concept of time is an embracement within itself. In time you will learn… In time…

horoscope libra imageLibra Horrorscope (September 24 – October 23)

June may not be a good month for you, especially if you have your head in job apps. Mate, you need to set yourself deadlines! Stop licking the computer monitor and get some real work done, the work that pays!

horoscope scorpio imageScorpio Horrorscope (October 24 – November 22)

You will continue receiving lots of stupid emails. Unfortunately not the one you want. Sorry!

horoscope sagittarius imageSagittarius Horrorscope (November 23 – December 21)

Whatever your destination is this month it will not show on the map, the route will NOT be mapped out for you and your GPS will NOT help. You are on your own. Lets just hope you have a good sense of direction.

horoscope capricorn imageCapricorn Horrorscope (December 22 – January 20)

You will be crippled financially, you will have no real friends and your hometown will be a URL in cyberspace. Grim, isn't it? The good news is that you still have time to reverse the situation.

horoscope aquarius imageAquarius Horrorscope (January 21 – February 19)

Slow down! Your brain is starting to overheat! …On the other hand, we’re gonna wrap up our croissants in foils and place them on your cindering scalp – nothing nicer than a warmed up lunch. Anyway, after we eat, have an ice cream cool your head down and keep cool before you completely burn out.

horoscope pisces imagePisces Horrorscope (February 20 – March 20)

It may seem that you have everything under control. Well done, you do, except for your lousy lover. As complex the situation may be, it may be a possible time to upgrade.

horoscope aries imageAries Horrorscope (March 21 – April 20)

A beard is not a hairdo, but we hope you’ll love the new chop! Whether a man or a woman, this month you may find yourself growing, styling and nurturing a beard.

horoscope taurus imageTaurus Horrorscope (21 April – 21 May)

You will be lured into an unexpected activity – on foot. You will not be able to walk. You will have blisters the size of England. And remember, a name you dare not mention today will turn out to be good fun tomorrow.

 

If you feel this HORRORscope is not accurate enough, then go on, write a better one and send it in!!

 

Disclaimer: This HORRORscope is not a horoscope. This has clearly been designed to suit the entertainment values. Please value your life and everything your life has to offer, and please do not follow literally what this HORRORscope says. If you do so, then you are horrifically lacking intelligence!

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