Tickle Your Imagination With HORROR-scopes For February!

Horoscope February 2013


Star Sign Predictions for February 2013

horoscope Aquarius star sign imageAquarius Horoscope (January 21 – February 19)

No one can really understand why Cupid was chosen to represent Valentine's Day. When we think about romance, the last thing on our minds is a short, chubby toddler coming at us with a weapon in his hand... Well, this month is all about you. Our oracle’s vision is not very clear right now (the oracle was on a bit of a bender last night!), but the oracle is adamant to warn you about a toddler launching at you! The toddler may also be holding a weapon.

horoscope Pisces star sign star sign imagePisces Horoscope (February 20 – March 20)

Complaints about personality issues? Nothing that can’t be easily fixed. You just need to become more versatile, with an easily mouldable character and highly adaptable characteristics. Spend February pretending you’re a dogtopus; a hybrid of dog and octopus, a highly adaptable creature and man’s best friend, on ground and underwater.

horoscope Aries star sign imageAries Horoscope (March 21 – April 20)

You will awaken to find yourself alone in a strange forest, watched over by evil spirits and talking trees, largely apathetic towards your fate. The way out of the woods is blocked by a wall of red roses. Prick yourself with a thorn and you’ll be turned into a toad. The evil witch will capture you and either turn you into toad ointment or sell your legs to a local diner. (Sorry, no "kiss me and turn me into a prince" ending is possible). Only pliable flesh and an intuitive mind will get you through the stubborn wall of thorny roses. Use February wisely to self-develop.

horoscope Taurus star sign imageTaurus Horoscope (21 April – 21 May)

There is a door. Be a lamb and open it. Now walk through the door into the room... Fatal. Bifurcation. To avoid this masterful terror you need to grow a mind of your own. You don’t always have to do things people tell you to.

horoscope Gemini star sign imageGemini Horoscope (May 22 – June 21)

Someone said "There are no shortcuts that pay off. Hard work and persistence are the only true paths to rewards." What a load of self-torturing cack! It’s time for you to let your hair down and go absolutely bananas! Do some chasing, run after a few giant angry skulls and vengeful giant bears. Be active, have some fun and feel free to take shortcuts if you spot any!

horoscope Cancer star sign imageCancer Horoscope (June 22 – July 22)

If you tell the truth about how you’re feeling, it becomes funny. But nowadays you can also get killed for it. Between lovers a little confession is a dangerous thing, especially for your star sign this month. Zip it, lock it, through away the key. Stay away from the jungles of your subconscious.

horoscope Leo star sign imageLeo Horoscope (July 23 – August 23)

Bet your biggest nightmare would be to one day wake up with one nostril, one big protruding tooth, webbed feet, face of a faun with hooves, horns and a ponytail? But do Nightmares really come true? Yes, they can, pay attention to your dreams, they are trying to tell you something.

horoscope Virgo star sign imageVirgo Horoscope (August 24 – September 23)

Going on a few dates this month? Avoid restaurants and cemeteries, especially if those are blind dates. When we think of you this month, an Aswang comes to mind - a cannibalistic eater of the dead and of the living. Apparently they can transform themselves into either a black dog or a black boar, so don’t entertain unfamiliar stray dogs, and of course, boars. Once an Aswang sets their eyes on you, nothing will save you, you can forget garlic and holy water.

horoscope Libra star sign imageLibra Horoscope (September 24 – October 23)

If you want something, you have to really think hard, believe in it and it will happen. On the flip side, you could work harder than you’ve ever worked to achieve that goal – think of it as continuing to work when others are sleeping. Which path will you pick? Will you rely on will power or use your imagination?

horoscope Scorpio star sign imageScorpio Horoscope (October 24 – November 22)

Be cautious this month. You will enter a cloud of unfamiliar vapour; steaming armpits, a culinary miasma, peanut butter diapers, it’s hard to say at this stage what the exact odour will be. Be warned, carry a mask. Don't touch anything unfamiliar as it may be coated with poisonous effluvia.

horoscope Sagittarius star sign imageSagittarius Horoscope (November 23 – December 21)

February is a month of love and realisation for you, and it has little to do with the whole Valentine’s thing. Realisation is usually a positive thing, so this is a good month for you. You will realise that you found yourself stuck in a tunnel of love and your partner is the one digging it. While at the moment you may think there’s nothing wrong in that, you must also remember; tunnels collapse, get blocked, people get stuck. Are you comfortable in this tunnel?

horoscope Capricorn star sign imageCapricorn Horoscope (December 22 – January 20)

Events are taking a turn and it seems that this month you will be possessed. You will not become the green-faced monster from The Exorcist, let’s not be that dramatic, but you will feel a few stomach turning changes within yourself. Should we be worried? Nah... If someone as damaged as you will be able to crawl out of bed every morning, the rest of the world will be just fine.

Disclaimer: This Horoscope a.k.a HORRORscope has been made up by the Retox Magazine team to serve the purpose of making you laugh. Although we cannot guarantee that everyone will have a laugh, we hope that YOU do. If you do not find this funny, then come back next month, maybe you will then. Please do not harm yourself in any way. Cheers!


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