5 great ways to successfully get killed

Note: The author's views are entirely his or her own and may not reflect the views of RetoxMagazine.com

Struggling with getting a heart attack? Have no guts to jump off the bridge? Scared to be a sinner in the eyes of God? Well then, in that case we can give you 5 great ways to successfully get killed without deliberately trying to do so.

1. Killed by a young lady!

Lets face it; the first one is pretty obvious. You are an 80-year-old senior, still with eyesight, and suddenly you find your face stuck in a big pair of 20 year old bosoms. That will probably be an instant heart arrest. If the site of the bosoms does not kill, Viagra will!

2. Killed by money!

You just realised you are broke…ish… Today you have learned you have negative money in your account. And that is always wonderful to hear. You keep more than one account, as you are so incredibly irresponsible, and bingo! They are all in the negative! This is where it gets petrifying. Your heart starts pulsating faster than the heart of a hummingbird, the chest pain starts tearing your ribcage apart and that evil anxiety attack… well, that needs a ritual of exorcism performed at the least in order to set you back to normality! Bankruptcy truly can kill. Knowing that you will not be able to have anymore of those $1000 bottles of wine, or fine dinners consisting of steamed orchids and roasted virgin lamb, or ice cubes hand-cut from mount Everest cooling a 50 year old scotch in your crystal glass, it can seriously be fatally traumatising. I mean, you can spring for more than a burger, you must keep some pride, but seriously, if you think you’ll be in Bahamas with a super model girlfriend half your age, tough luck, you are up for a surprise! You no longer look like you are made out of money. And that can be an instant cause of your death, usually in the form of a heart attack. All the best!

3. Killed by your spouse.

You found your wife with her skirt up. Oh dear! This one usually works the other way round, where the man is found with his pants down, but is still a terribly common one with women being on the incriminating side. And do not mistaken; in this scenario she is not wearing a chastity belt! Anyways, It is not that your spouse did not love you or still doesn’t. No. Not that. Its just that while you were working and thinking of what to buy your spouse for their wedding anniversary your spouse got a little hungry for physical action and… well… and things just happened! Depending on how much you love(d) your spouse, but an affair after a successful love marriage of 20 odd years, a heart attack is inevitable.

4. Killed by your kids

Your kids... Need I say more! Little toddlers crawling the floor, so cute! But then the unfortunate follows – the buggers grow up! First they become teenagers and go through that thing known as the hormone change. Then comes the first cigarette. Followed later by the first drink, after which they still go back to crawling the floor… You think that’s bad? You’re underestimating. That’s nothing. Wait till they blow your money, date your biggest enemy’s daughter or son, and instead of learning and taking your business over, they become hustling broke artists or professional gamblers in Vegas! Kids… If any of the other pointers were not hard enough to kill, these little monsters will! Undoubtedly!

5. Killed by… sex.

Need I say more? Undeniably the greatest way to die! A death that anyone and everyone in their sober minds would wish for… Sex! - Good sex! It is not a sport for the weak hearted and it certainly is not on the recommended list of extra curriculum activities at the old age pensioners’ homes. However, good sex, a decent orgasm, followed by death certainly seems like the best way to depart!