Dating Diary Nightmares

Note: The author's views are entirely his or her own and may not reflect the views of RetoxMagazine.com

Above: Just made for two people to sit in quiet.

Dating Diary Nightmares…

Recently I had noticed that I was approaching 40 with the speed of a 14 year old boy running to the TV when Jessica Ennis was performing in the Olympics. Therefore I entered the wonderful world or not so wonderful world of internet dating. Without giving away my true identity I have been the face of an international dating website's advertising campaigns, by accident!

From famous actresses to the girl next door no-one has held my heart for long, but some have left me questioning love itself. Those most hideous nightmares of dating and romance are burned in my mind like branding on a cow's arse... these are three of the worst dates I have been on. In a couple of weeks I will post some good ones!

1. Delusions Of Charm And Beauty

The worst dating experience of my life happened in my local pub, the Windsor Castle, but had it been anywhere though it would still have been the all time number 1. I arrived and was polite, trying to hide the initial impression that she had put on a couple of pounds from her profile photo. We sat down for a drink and small talk.

She spent the whole first hour; I stopped listening after that I think, complaining about work and dipping in and out of her iPhone. Both of these are big dating no no’s. On a date you want to find out about them, and for the person to take an interest in you.

However the worst was to come, a trick or horror she had up her blouse. She asked me if the pub served food, I said it did not as it was after 9pm and went to the bar to order more drinks. As I was at the bar being served and surrounded by other men, she arrived at my side. I still had no idea of the full horror about to occur. She asked the barman about food, he said "Sorry, it is after 9pm"... She replied, "What if I do this?"... My blood ran cold, I felt a chill but nothing prepared me for what happened.

She grabbed her breasts through her blouse and moved them up and down in front of everyone before licking the top of the left one.

To say I was stunned is an understatement.

The barmen informed her that the kitchen was still shut. She went to the loo and I was asked by someone "Is that your girlfriend mate?"… I have never said no so quickly in my life, as I disowned her as a drunk work colleague.

After that drink I ended the date and took her to a cab, where she quite amazingly asked me when we would meet again. Then followed several days of texts and calls. By a distance the worst date of all time.

2. The Octopus

The Octopus was similarly deluded; I went on a date with her by accident having written the wrong number on a card at a speed dating event! She told me she loved Tapas so I booked a table at a great Tapas bar in Covent Garden for Saturday night.

Come the night not only is she late but arrived with eight bags of shopping that she was carrying, hence the Octopus! She then told me she did not fancy Tapas... So it was going well. I then noticed that she obviously not put on perfume, so it was not going well and I struggled to be interested in her conversation.

On the way home she asked when we would meet again… stranger things have not happened.

3. The Wannabe

There is nothing as depressing as a beautiful and intelligent woman, who wants to be stupid. I met up with The Wannabe, in a trendy London nightspot called The Lansdowne. She was tall, blonde, beautiful and worked in recruitment. I looked forward to getting to know about her, her interests and so on.

Sadly The Wannabe, was a wannabe. She told me how unfair it was that despite her beauty she was overlooked in favour of her friends for modeling and acting work. That she was destined for celebrity and was just as attractive as any of her friends. Quite a toxic way for her to be thinking about life, and not healthy.

The level of self absorption rapidly became dull and boring, which was allied to the fact that she had never trained as an actress, nor modeled professionally. Most men would like brains and beauty, intelligent men do not want bimbos. What was depressing is that The Wannabe could not see she was attractive, intelligent and successful. For her it was not enough, she wanted to be something less than she was.

In a couple of weeks, the three best dates... It is not all bad out there.